I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
