Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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