she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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