if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
