guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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