I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
