You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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