sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
