How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
