sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
