So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
