Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
