Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize