Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
