i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Randomize