end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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