i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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