Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
