She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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