He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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