i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
