I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
