I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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