he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You pole danced in your parka.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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