She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
