he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
