I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
