Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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