I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
