If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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