i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
