Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
