a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
Randomize
