At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
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