Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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