This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
