I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize