Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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