please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Randomize