You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Come see our sink grown plant.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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