Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
