my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
