I puked a lego.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
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