Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I feel like abortions should bother me more
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Randomize
