Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
