He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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