I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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