Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
