you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
