dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
