I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Please don't give away my fajitas
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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