Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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