im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
