I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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