What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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