If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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