I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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