i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
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