I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
