Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
