her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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